Dec 7, 2020
“People don’t care how much
you know until they know how much you care.” — Theodore
Roosevelt
We all have people in our life
that we want to help. And, sometimes we find that helping those
people causes nothing but frustration.
Maybe in your life it’s a
spouse, child, friend, or even coworker who you can give a
different perspective about their life and actions to, but you’re
met with the glass-eyed, blank stare. And, your advice, your help
falls on deaf ears.
Luckily, a process to help you
when helping others exists. It’s called Intrinsic Validation, and
is a core element of the book “Today I Being a New
Life” by Dave Blanchard.
The Process of Helping Others
- Recognize that everyone has a wall of
resistance.
- Step
into their world.
- Ask
empathetic questions.
- Recognize when the time is right to offer
advice.
- Be
prepared to begin the process over.
We all have unhealthy habits of
thinking, and sometimes it takes an outsider to point that out to
us. So, try the following steps to help others along their, and
your, journey:
- Recognize that everyone has a wall of
resistance. Their resistance could be towards a change that causes
disruption in their daily lives, even if they know what your
offering is better for them. It may be to protect themselves after
being hurt in the past, or it may have to do with
comfort.
- Step
into their world. You have to put aside what you think and begin to
see things from their perspective. In order to bring down their
wall of resistance, that person has to feel safe and understood.
Try to connect with them and make them feel safe and understood,
that you’re not trying to fix them. But I can tell you that as a
health coach, when that person feels safe and is ready to make a
change, that is the most rewarding part of my job.
- Ask
empathetic questions. A key question is, “Tell me more about that”.
Then you have to listen to understand. Don’t listen to answer or
try to solve the problem, this is not the time for
that.
- You
have to recognize when the time is right to offer advice. Look for
nonverbal cues to make sure they are comfortable and their walls
are down. When their walls are down, then you can say, “If I was in
your shoes, I would…”
- Be
prepared to take several steps back. If they’re not ready, then you
will have to go back into intrinsic validation mode. As a health
coach, I have to assess whether someone has a strong enough reason
to work toward. In my life, I took my health back because my
grandson was my reason why I had to work toward being an active
grandfather.
Intrinsic Validation has a major
effect on you — it changes you to have empathy. But it also cna be
incredibly rewarding: The amount of satisfaction you have as the
confidant, guide, or helper in this journey is through the
roof.
If you have people in your life
who you want to help but are frustrating you by not receiving your
advice, just know that you can work to get to the place where their
wall comes down and they will accept your help.